Miller High Life: Broke? Wanna Party? Gotcha Covered

I'll be honest with you here, folks; I normally can't stand Miller anything. In fact, damn near every American mainstream-beer tastes like carbonated ass to me. Same goes for a good deal of mainstream imports. Heineken, Newcastle.. all that shit. Can't stand it. But, of course, there are exceptions. Usually when it's cheap.

And you're not going to get a better deal for your dollar when you go to Miller High Life. There isn't a whole lot of taste, but it's certainly not water. At something like $4.99 for a 6-pack of Tallboys.. it beats out PBR by at least a half-dollar, and when you don't care what your beer taste like, you might as well save the 50 cents. Now sure, things like Icehouse might be cheaper. But.. Icehouse? Really? You're that broke. I mean, shit, just buy some DW-40. It's the same shit and you can use some of it for your car.

But I'm getting off topic. Miller High Life is definitely the top-tier of cheap beers. But if you really don't care about taste, then let's just dissect the can of beer itself. It looks fucking sexy. Classy lettering, golden color finish, and a subtly to the whole ensemble that just looks right when you're holding it in your hand. Let's put it this way.. most other beers you feel prouder holding in those Red Solo cups. High Life is a can you can wear with pride. Yes, mother fucker, I am drinking High Life. Because I know what's up.

Oh, yeah. And pinup-girls. 

Who you foolin'? You know that looks good.

Still not convinced? Well then get PBR, what more do you want from me? I'm not saying make this your go-to beer, but it's not bad. Miller gets a bad rap for their other beers.. and personally, I believe for good reason, but High Life is something different. They definitely did something right with this one.

High Life is Miller's oldest running brand of beer. Though the company was established by Frederick Miller in 1855, none of their other formulas have lasted as long as Miller High Life. In fact, the reason it lasted so long could most likely be attributed to how cheap it is now. When Plank-Road brewery was purchased by Miller, it was in a location that was in the dead center of a network of farms that produced all the raw materials needed to make beer. With such easy access to these farms, it's not much of a reach to assume that High Life was a very affordable beer in it's time. All they needed to do was make it not taste like utter shit. 

High Life is indeed a landmark in the history of American Beers. The 'Girl on the Moon' logo is a depiction of Frederick Miller's granddaughter. You don't get more historical than that.

So in summation, High Life isn't exactly the best beer out there, but with PBR as it's only real competition for it's price range.. you might as well at least flip a coin on it. What's the worst that could happen? (Side-effects of consuming an entire 12-pack on your own excluded. Don't put that shit on me, bro. That's a you-problem.)

Coconut Monkey knows what's up. Do you?

Pall Malls: Because Adults Have Bills

Oh, the dreaded red box (Or blue, green, or yellow.. but if you're smoking Pall Malls, who the fuck doesn't smoke full flavor?). Pall Malls, at a glance, have a slightly different design from most cigarette boxes and, with their beveled edges, it seems as though it may stand out amidst the pack-and-pretty rectangles that sit behind the gas station counter. Well the good news is: They do.

The bad news? They taste like vinegar. Famous American Cigarettes.. for what? And why in crikey fuck is the logo labeled in Latin?

Per Aspera Ad Astra - In Hoc Signo Vinces
Translation: Through [the] Thorns to the Stars - By This Sign You Shall  Conquer
wut

So realistically, they aren't horrible. After all, they go for about $3.98 a pack here in Georgia, with cartons as low as 37-38 bucks. But let's face it.. no one really chooses to smoke Pall Malls. They're a go-to when you have no money, but still prefer R.J. Reynolds particular brand of airplane glue. But, hey this is a blog, so let's have a history lesson, shall we?

Did you know that Pall Mall isn't even American? It's fucking British. Pall Mall is a well known street in London, pronounced pel-mel, and was introduced in 1899 by the Butler and Butler company in an attempt to cater to upper-class American citizens. So Famous American Cigarettes is bullshit. But apparently, they weren't too bad because they were wildly popular until around the late 60's, when Winston beat the snot out of them in advertising with "Tastes good, like a cigarette should". However, Pall Mall's slogan at the time?

"OUTSTANDING.. and they are MILD!" Wow. Great job, guys. your powers in advertising are unmatched. I cannot believe they didn't sell. Seriously. Good job.

Something Pall Mall did do right? Spearheaded the "long" cigarette. Before Pall Mall did the 100mm cigarette, not many company's did it. And any company who did couldn't sell them well enough. But when Pall Mall did it, it caught on.. rather quickly. Introduced in early 1960, the Pall Mall longs became the number 1 cigarette and stayed that way until 1966, thus creating a standard in long cigarettes. You like smoking longs? Buy a pack of Pall Malls to thank them. But don't get the Pall Mall longs.. it's just too much abuse, and no one should have to do that.

But a company can't be all bad, right? (COUGHnewportCOUGH) No.. they can't possibly. Pall Mall does have one cigarette that actually has a pretty good flavor, which is probably why they did so well way back when. Pall Mall Filterless are actually really damn tasty. They're no Lucky Strike, but they don't do a half bad job. However.. you cannot find these mother fuckers for the life of you. The only time I found them was at a BP's AM/PM for 2 bucks a pack. So they were obviously older than sin. But.. if you can find a pack of Pall Mall filterless, they're not bad. Now, obviously, they're filterless, so they're pretty damn rough. So use discretion. In fact, the lady behind the counter probably said it best. When I expressed surprise at Pall Mall making a filterless, she promptly told me, "Well, everyone who smoked them is dead".

So there you go. Now you know a bit more about that cheap cigarette just a step above the cardboard for 3.10 a pack. Maybe you'll respect it a bit more now.